I was so very impressed with KOVAL president, Dr. Sonat Birnecker’s advice. She suggested that mothers take long showers as it might be the only time you get to yourself.
Well, I couldn’t agree more. My pre-bed shower is always much-appreciated, and hard-earned. Not only is there quiet – in my case, it is an opportunity to curate the mood, bring the day’s tension and the adrenaline down and dream of, well, a dreamy night’s sleep.
For me, this includes a selection of products. Beware, these are my gems and as such – on the luxe side of things (read as not inexpensive and worth every cent). Here are some quick hacks to manage your way out of being priced out.
SAMPLES – ask and ye shall receive… really, just ask at your local Blue Mercury, Sephora or other keeper of the goods.
NEW CLIENT DISCOUNTS – some of my favorite brands including REN, Indie Lee, ShhhowerCap and others offer discounts for first-time clients, go that route.
WISH LIST – keep your list handy – you never know you will ask how they can support you.
And now the goods:
Fresh Sugar Scrub
I was an early adaptor to the line, and this was their first product. I like to take my time and let it both scrub and moisturize. The smell is incredible. And the grains feel just right.
Aromatherapy De-stress Mind Bath and Shower Oil.
Use sparingly, like a careful ritual. A small amount goes a very long way. Fills the shower with the most perfect scent – consider it an invitation to let go of the day and make your way to sleep.
Indie Lee Sleep Body Wash
No words, just ahhhh! This is my most recent find and new love. I combine the shower product with a few fabulous sprays of their Pillow Mist and declare the day done.
Finally, the perfect showercap. Come on – who washes their hair everyday? I know!!! And yes I own, gift and suggest this to anyone who will listen…I hope you are listening! Right now I am crazy for the Novel and the Stir – how about you? And better still, I found a discount.
Last was a busy week. Among the moments, I had the great fortune of two extraordinary phone calls with the powers that be at Vivvi. One was a drop in with co-founder Charles Bonello and one an overdue with new hire Jessica Pallay now editorial director. Lucky me!
As a long-time fan of Vivvi there is always much to catch-up on. And with Jessica , the fun of the conversation is in the journey. She is a writer who joins in with her optimism and curiosity ready to go! Do you miss New York? Yes I truly do… And how about DC? DC is a place where they advocate though rarely execute. Realy there is no action. Not a shifting culture type of town. Not the private sector type. Not the amplification, branding, defining strategic play. Nope, DC thinks differently. Here the dialog is incredibly stimulating, empowering and it does create a feeling of possibility (some days). And New York? And of course, I miss my incredible network of friends and associates. I miss my other world. And I miss the spontaneity of it all.
And for now, for this moment, deep in winter, on the cusp of the two year anniversary of Covid – I am in DC.
It is Sunday Morning. Compass Coffee in Spring Valley, DC is full. I am waiting. If I were to close my eyes maybe, just maybe the smell of lovingly roasted and brewed coffee would help me to pretend I was in New York, waiting at Birch Coffee for my morning fix. But my ears are open too – and I am flooded with those uniquely DC idioms –
I heard this on NPR
He applied for the fellowship
She is freelance grant writing while she waits for a position to open up at the NGO
And one more, so deeply DC, from my husband, Bob Mazer:
I think we will make it just in time for Meet the Press!
ARE YOU LISTENING TO A PODCAST OR JUST IGNORING ME?
Maybe Both…
Dog walking is absolutely a time to think about something else. I actually love the cold – bundled up and walking Ms. Addie is such a great gift. When people throw around the idea of self care, I am one of the first to remind, that it includes space just for you.
Though even in that space, it is hard to find the still. Thus the walk and listen…
So I have a plan that involves meditation for true quiet and self-focus (that would be Peloton, thank you Aditi, Chelsea and Kristen). And Podcasts for the walking win. Learn a little, lose yourself a little. Here is what I am listening to these days:
No Stupid Questions – A reminder I have a mind-crush on Stephen Dubner – as in he was a central part of my last big birthday. Here he pairs with Angela Duckworth (she is all kinds of fabulous and spends her days teaching and researching at Penn), authoring GRIT and keeping this podcast rich on humor and sharp POVs. Posting weekly, I am never (or have not been so far) disappointed.
Women at Work – Oh how I love this brilliant and dedicated threesome. Amy, Amy and Emily are my IT GIRLS! Together they share insights on what is happening, where we might be going and yes, how – as in options. It is a well curated bag of it all – the good, bad and SOS calls for action. The conversations are careful to consider multiple points of view and the guests add a extra layer of valuable insight.
Table Manners – I am mad for this mother daughter duo. Jesse Ware and her super fabulous and perhaps too honest mum, Lennie are all kinds of off-the-charts delicious! They are equal parts fans and foodies. And the best part – they are so much fun their guests seem quick to catch the vibe and enjoy the laughter, love and always libations (bubbles, yes please!) in the room!
Miracle and Wonder – The triad of Paul Simon, Malcolm Gladwell and Bruce Headlam are having the best time. It feels like we are all curious and cannot wait for the next episode. Paul is generous with this genius and backstory. I adore that he really does not want to put down his guitar or keep anything about his childhood, relationships and world-view to himself. I am likely to listen again. It is really that good!
Pop Culture Happy Hour – you don’t know what you are missing – which is why I listen. If I don’t know about what to watch, listen to, try, etc. – now I do. And if I have, the crew adds a new perspective. Most recently an episode on Abbot Elementary really helped me to reframe the show in my own mind. I am a fan of Linda Holmes – new book out this Spring y’all – and she gathers an amazing, quirky and smart crew to her party.
Somehow this month, this January feels endless. Or so it seems.
Short days, long dark nights.
I am cold and somehow cold leads to a non-negotiable need to linger longer and longer on the couch (it is a tete-a-tete, I need to be honest and it is the one of the most perfect purchases I’ve made).
The couch calls for my beloved blanket (Yes, get one from Anthro ASAP) and the blanket calls for a book.
Then the dog. Then music. The candle lit and sending good vibes everywhere. Then a nap. Then the best idea ever – popcorn and chocolate for dinner.
So for those of you who have defined better for yourselves and perhaps feel you are not meeting the mark – consider me your true North – I can absolutely make you feel better about whatever you may not be getting done.
In the meantime – here is a short list of the things that are keeping me in the spirit of listening to my love of the sensory…
Playlists like my current fave by me THIS TOO SHALL PASS including Dolly Parton (Happy Birthday) with Linda Ronstant and Emilou Harris- When we’re gone, long gone – the only thing that will matter is the love that we shared and the way that we cared- when we were gone, long gone.
So I must ask – what is on your January short list? What can you share with the rest of us? All ideas welcome!
Sometimes I imagine that I have nothing else to do but listen. Listen to stories of how we find ourselves making our way from here to there. From one life phase to another. Be it slowly and methodically or rapid fire and unexpected. Or more likely, some combination of both. What we see coming or maybe what we missed. What we registered days or weeks later and what we felt in our bones long before the actual moment in which the ground shifted right under our feet.
These are your stories of Caring. Caring about all that you feel connected to – partner, children, parents, career, home, community, siblings, friends, maybe even self. Self – the one who loves to run or cook, read or cycle, garden, paint, renovate or shoot images — there is so much that brings joy. Sadly this so much is what ultimately leaves us gasping for breath while the now well understood and inevitable Panini Press continues to come in hot, making impact with little mercy (I’m melting). Remember the sandwich generation — that sounds nice!
So I listen and I share. These stories are a gift. They are intimate and powerful. They are authentic and they are honest. They are what I love the most about connecting with each of you and you to each other — the shared stories.
I am asking for you to share your stories. Ask your friends and family to do the same. We know that we are here, in the Panini Generation. We know that the demographics of older parents (30 year old average) with older parents (living longer as well) means that at the very least – parents will be actively involved with caring for both their children and their parents within the same decade and then onward.
We need your stories so that we can support each other through sharing.
As October winds down, the winds pick up, temperatures drop and we begin to prepare ourselves for the next season– there is change in the air! Cooler, shorter days are ahead but first – a little trick (we call that one the end of daylight savings time on November 7) and of course some treats including Halloween bounty and perhaps just one more silly pumpkin flavored something!
To help ease the challenges of the shorter, darker days for working parents, we reached out to our old friend and sage parenting expert Lisa Spiegel to share her insights for surviving the bi-annual changing of the clocks.
Here is what Soho Parenting Co-Founder Lisa Spiegel, MA, LMHC, had to share:
Simple Tips to Get Through the Time Change:
Think of it like jet lag: stick to your regular schedule as much as possible and give some time for your child’s body to adjust.
Capitalize on darker early evenings to get your baby or child to sleep nice and early-before 8 pm.
Don’t make a bigger deal of it than it is— kids adjust to the time change within a few days or at most a few weeks.
Speaking of good things coming in threes, we have had the full houses of one of our beloved Portrait Project parents on our minds. How does she do it? Is the third one truly the charm? We wanted to share an updated version of one of our favorite interviews with a woman who not only runs remarkable enterprises (yes plural), she is also at the helm of homes and families that serve as an inspiration for us all.
Former fashion executive turned influencer, Stroller in the City founder, Brianne Manz is a dear friend of the It’s Working Project — she has been an endless source of support to our work on behalf of working parents, and also a shining example of what is possible. Since day one of the Project (and before that via Forty Weeks), her friendship and care have left an indelible mark on our work. Brianne’s positive perspective on her days and nights spent in perpetual motion – raising three kids in New York City while also running an ever-evolving business makes clear that steering a highly successful professional and personal ship takes not just energy but ingenuity. And she’s got it. Meet Brianne…
Note: it is only August, I have much reading to do. Still as my summer of reading winds down, I felt as though this was a good time to share away.
Why?
These days are rough on all of us. What is, what will be? The questions are many. Covid and Delta have made it that way. Will there be school? Is there a way to work successfully? And this is where someone else’s story as a panacea comes into play. In very real ways, falling into someone else’s headspace is a magical elixir. Books are a gift like that.
To know me, is to know how much I love a great story. Books are my food, my snack, my amuse bouche, my indulgence — it just depends which one I am in the mood for. I have very strict formulas (I know, too much, right!). For example short stories serve to cleanse my palate before I remove myself from one reality and immerse in another via that next book. And ooooh, that next book – sitting in a stunning pile – fresh, new and hopefully waiting for its spine to be broken. It is kind of like some reality show…”pick me, Julia please pick me”…
I listen to books only if they are memoirs or nonfiction and read by the author. This was what Michelle Obama taught me and was further validated by Melinda Gates. Listening to the author share her own experiences – that is the holy grail.
As such, this year has been a careful balancing act of fact and fiction (sure this could possibly describe the real world too, but for the sake of this moment – we are talking books). And this year, 2021 has been ripe with worthwhile memoirs. For me, these books are holding me, like newly found best friends – the connection is powerful. And healing as well. In fact, a big issue I am having right now is that I am meditating less and listening to other people’s reality more. I know this likely requires its own interpretation. I am going with — I am too damn worn out to meditate or maybe not open to being quite so present with myself. I will own both, either or neither.
While I do consider these issues daily, Nicole Lynn Lewis brings them to live through her honest, first person narrative
Bottom line, I am spending my time lovingly listening to memoirs. I wanted to share a few that meet my criteria. To review:
Memoir or autobiographical
Read by author
Compelling, relatable or inspirational – the trifecta is a major win.
Here’s what’s doing it for me. Share yours, please!!!
I made an exception to my rules – yes I did, but just for this book, Crying in H-Mart. I read Michlle Zauner’s memoir, Crying in H-Mart the week it was released. And, lent it out soon thereafter. It is that powerfully compelling. Really, you must read this one, and take your time with it. And having a good stash of Korean food close by will be an essential strategy as well. You will also need tissues. So kimchi and Kleenex – got it? Note too – the H-mart in the book is located in Cheltenham, Pennsylvania (go Panthers!) on Old York Road…shout-out to my hometown of Philly!
Alight, alright, alright. No, you did not see that one coming did you? I began listening to Matthew McConaughey’s dramatic playbook of life and in specific his adventures and epiphanic moments at the request of my son Sam. It comes on fast and furious — little time to ease in, just BAM you and MM are BFFs and you are in the TMI weeds. There is so much energy packed into each word it can only be listened to during the day. And when you do – you get poems, prescriptions and well as a big chunk of things that make you go hmmm. I do get my 19 year olds son’s love of this one…there is a lot to process and a lot to plan for. It makes anything feel possible. And that is a good thing. @OfficiallyMcConaughy
Oh I adored spending time with Laura Friedman Williams as she made her way from we to me. Newly divorced and with no plan, we join along as she reimagins herself with such absolute candor. I have suggested this to my former divorce lawyer as a “new client” gift. And I have been sending this audiobook around as my super-empowerment with laughter guide to what’s next to my newly separated mid-life friends. Man the road is rough. It seems only fair that Laura is there to validate all that allures, confuses and frustrates. Either way, the more you read, the more you adore her. Including the ways in which she begins to make sense of herself. From learning what is the new way to do things (waxing 101) to what casual means in this century, there is much for Laura to master. Add to this – she is a ton of fun on social media. @laurafredmanwilliams
This one is an amazing first row seat into an outstanding performance of “she said/he said” genre — what is there not to love? Meet Joseph and Meg, a couple who openly share their first ten years through their own, unique lens. And who laid it all out there – consequences aside (I think!). It is fun and it is an expedition. A great deal happens in ten years. And yes, it does fly by. But the moments count and add up. I loved listening to Joseph Fink and Meg Bashwiner tell their truths — great stuff! @LadyBash (Insta spoiler – baby makes three!!!), hope there is a parenting book in their future!
An attempt at clearing out the library! And yes, I do have textbooks from GWU!
Seriously – I could never have pulled off what Julie Klam accomplished in the research and writing of this book. And she reads it in a way that compels you from the very first word. Note, I think it is not called reading, but performing feels off to me. Her level of curiosity and willingness to cover the globe in an effort to uncover the true story of her great family myth is impressive to say the very least. We all know how each of our families grows stories, it is just a fact. It is only Julie’s insatiable curiosity and people’s instant, positive reaction to her charm, that opens the gates to the truth – not only in action but also in circumstance, that bring the pieces together. She breaks the fourth wall to add to the listening fun. We learn a great deal not only about the Immigration experience and Jewish life in the 1900s, we learn about choices and their ripples. Even simple facts like basic dates change the narrative completely. And I was so grateful to be along for the ride!
Next Up is….
Ladyparts by Debrah Copeaken is currently in my ears…I am hooked…guessing you will be too. It opens with blood and a lot of internal dialog about women’s health disparity in the US — I am in love. @dcopaken
And the mood. Add flowers and a candle to really escape. Inheritance was a wild escape as is Dani Shapiro’s Podcast, Family Secrets.
Lately, I have been having wonderful luck finding denim for my husband on RueLaLa. I am nothing but grateful for the ease of it, though admittedly it is a two-step process. A thumbs up from Bob leads us right to the tailor for a quickie hem. So on Saturday, we added Bethesda alterations to our “list” and off we went. He got pinned while I felt the glow of my stylist superpower. And that felt good.
But what came next was unexpected and trumped any old buying jeans that make my husband’s tush look cute talent – as in any day, any year any, any old any!
The woman who worked in the store asked about the purchase and confided in me that she does not have good luck on RueLaLa with anything but clothes for her daughter. Daughter? I did not know about this daughter. WOW – so pre-pandemic she was studying psychology at UMBC, working for her mother and was reliably as affable as can be.
And now, she has added Mama to her identity and she was so incredibly proud of her pandemic baby. She was quick to tell, UNPROVOKED, that she struggled with PPD. That she understood and recognized her symptoms. She was so grateful that she lived with her parents who provided endless support and nurturance. Now, she shared, she was doing much better with an 18 month old daughter than she was for the first few months.
UNEXPECTED — all of it
THIS CONVERSATION
THIS CANDOR
THIS PRIDE
There are so very many dedicated to opening the understanding and communication around PPD. The goal is to help this spectrum of challenges openly make its way into our dialog. Not hidden, not as an embarrassment, not with shame. Simply, a part of motherhood for a percentage of the new mother population.
For my part, I ask, I listen, I write and I am open. I am currently finishing an article for HBR on first-time working mothers and PPD.
But that is something I do via interview. A conversation by appointment. This, this unexpected candor made my day. It is a reminder that we will keep speaking our truth. And by doing so, we will bring the entire topic into the big brave world.
Our History is long, and old. You still make me tingle and feel positively giddy. When I open our chest of memories, it brings me back to some legendary moments, stories of how you showed up when I needed you most. And how we met in the first place. It takes me back to my newly single mother days in East Hampton. Hiding from the big, coupled world in the sheer love and luxury of a dear friend’s home. I was a woman in her late 30s with two children in tow. I was too thin from the stress of it all. When we were introduced I was not concerned about your making any impact — there were no repercussions, not then.
Happily Hidden
The timing was just wrong, nothing stayed with me. I was just too far from the reality of the mark you would soon leave on me. So there, in Wainscott, we were introduced. Without much thought, with just my senses in control, I fell for you. Your smell, your warmth and the way in which you were reliably there for me. I could even bring up your image on my computer, I could see how many waited for you, allowing me to make my plan to connect. And it worked. On my terms, waiting in a beach town — far, far away. You were excotic in that way. A treat that I would pine away for in the months between my lips opening for you. I suppose there were ways to find more days and ways to be together. You were, after all, on the Upper West Side and I was certainly capable of getting on the Subway. I did not.
Years Continue to Pass…
In the years to come we were a good pair. Most years, we had a summer tryst and lovingly parted once again. One year, there was drama there in East Hampton. I remember the way you soothed me — in all of your glorious gusto on the day I showed up only to learn the deal I had put into place just prior to getting on the bus to see you had blown up. I may have leaned on you too much as I tried and tried to put the pieces back together. The story did end well (a forever thank you to Mark Schneider and Daphne Oz) but you really left your mark on me. In your effort to keep me calm I overindulged in your warmth and sweetness. I was scared by my own vulnerability. It showed.
You Kept us Smiling!
Lately things have been different. It has been a few years since I have been in East Hampton. You attempted to make your way into my freezer, but really that was not even close to the you I knew.
Friends would come back from New York, smiling and proud with the efforts they had made to bring you back to me. I was grateful. Then I learned that you were a few miles away. In Georgetown where you were not metro accessible, but I could make a quick drive. Which I did — but there were so very many people there — women and men, young and old all lined up to see what the excitement, your glory was all about. I felt uncomfortable with how close you were getting. I liked our distance. I loved the ways in which I missed you, spoke endlessly of you and truly savored anytime we managed to share together.
And then you made a decision. You did not ask. You just took up space within walking distance of my home. You choose to break the romantic, lustful distance between us and just show up. Not only too close for comfort, but breaking the spell. And, then you have the audacity to send me a postcard, a note with your stunning image suggesting I come in and join my neighbors in the indulgence that we once shared as an intimate, loving act
Way Too Close for Comfort…
Look Levain, I realize nothing can last forever. Yet, still — as I sit in my Chevy Chase home, my heart is broken knowing things between us will never be the same again. I have aged, less able to spend as much time with you as I once did. And you seem to have an insatiable neeed to keep expanding your reach, the world of people who you will forever leave the impact of your size and softness. I admire you for your vision, for all you wish for yourself. It is simply that I don’t know if I can keep up with you in this way. I am sure 18 years was a good run.
PS — Don’t be surprised if I do duck in to say hello, to hold you just one more time. Chemistry like that is hard to find.
There is something powerful about listening to and really growing through a writing assignment. I have been busy crafting a few chapters that focus on first-time mothers returning to the workplace for Harvard Business Review. One is specific to Breast Pumping and work and the other to PPD. For these, for all my writing, I call on sources that include the parents of Its Working Project’s Portrait Project. Here I find years of candor. And am reminded too of the evolution of working parenthood since IWP was launched in 2013.
One thing that comes up over and again – both via IWP stories (here are a few – Sara Weinstein and Natasha D) and my current research is one simple truth, parenting is a series of phases. Experience shows us that this too shall pass. Thus anxiety is comfortably lower in second and later time parents. I think of this in my own experiences. It was not a fluke that I grew more relaxed and confident as I made way to this month when my youngest graduated from High School. I am sure this is the natural result of my recognizing that there was always a route from here to there. And, sometimes the very best thing to do was absolutely nothing. This was a hard-earned truth.
Ann Smith, president of Postpartum Support International reminded me how very true this is with newly minted mothers. She stressed that even with the most caring mentors, dedicated support system and loving friends and family in place – a full one in seven, or 14% of new mothers suffer from a mild to severe perinatal mood disorder. PPD can happen to anyone. It crosses all lines – ethnic, geographic, racial, economic – you name it. And feels more likely to impact first-timers.
I am so very pleased that HBR has asked me to contribute two chapters to this book. And even more so that they agreed to accept PPD as one of the topics. We must keep listening and sharing the truth about new motherhood. Neither perfect nor completely in our control, it is ours. And if our experience feels bigger or heavier than expected. If we are fair in our expectations of a new version of ourselves and yet still feel off. There is help to be had. There is no shame in asking and receiving whatever gets us from here to there. Because, for better or for worse, this too shall pass.
